I feel like I am admitting defeat in posting this, but I am an honest person and I feel I need to update a previous post I made about my depression and anxiety.
In my prior post, I was saying how proud of myself I was for coming off the antidepressants. Unfortunately, after 2 weeks of being off them I had to admit to myself that I needed them again. My anxiety came back ten fold and my breathing was out of control. I had insomnia and no matter how tired I was, I couldn't get my brain to sleep.
And so back on the trusty little pill I went. But I am trying hard not to consider it a defeat, though it certainly felt like it at first. I mean, nobody wants to admit they aren't coping. Nobody wants to be viewed as weak. But now I see it as more of a learning curve. Something in my brain obviously doesn't work the way it should. But that isn't the negative thing I thought at first. It's ok.
I mean, if either my children or I needed antibiotics for an infection, or a cast for a broken ankle, or losec for reflux (you get the drift?), I wouldn't withhold it. Sometimes our bodies simply don't function the way they are intended to, and thankfully, these days there are things that can help. I get that now. But there is such a stigma surrounding mental health and antidepressants that being in this position, you cant help feeling like a failure.
But there is no failure in asking for help. It simply means you cant do it on your own, and that isn't a negative. Which is why I am posting this. Because sometimes other people need to know it is OK as well. That what works for others may not work for you. That taking a walk in the sunshine every day may not be your cure. That good food and exercise might not be the right thing for you. It might not be meditation or relaxation techniques. It may not be taking antidepressants either. You just have to find what helps you, and this is what helps me. I'm cool with that now.
Another major thing that has helped was talking. Talking to people about my anxiety has helped immensely. Others who suffer from it as well are a big help in realising you are not alone, you are not a freak and you are not screwed up. Sometimes things just happen the way they do and you have to deal with it in the best way possible for YOU. One of the greatest gifts I have been given, is the friends I have that have encouraged and supported me throughout everything.
I am so grateful to have these people in my life.
Another decision I have come to through talking with a special friend of mine (Hi Rach!), is to enrol at Uni. I have decided to apply to do the Graduate Diploma in Not-For-Profit Management. Starting the NZ nevus group is a passion of mine and I want to do it right. I want to build it on strong foundations so it has nowhere to go but up. So I feel completing this course is the best way to achieve this, as it will give me the skills and experience to make our organisation grow, in the most positive way possible. I have an interview this week to discuss the course requirements and what have you, so fingers crossed I get in! If not, well I suppose it will be what is supposed to be and I can think about what next when the time comes.
Because I am considering studying, I have also decided to check out some childcare centres and perhaps look at enrolling Olive for a few days a week. She is so used to being the baby and I think she needs to learn to play with kids her own age!
Olive's getting a little bored with being at home with Mummy, and needs a bit more stimulation than I give her. I think its a good thing. It will help develop her independence (God, does she really need any more of that though?!) and give her a chance to do all the messy icky things like play-doh and painting that I don't do at home!
I think my Little Miss will love it. Almost as much as she loves her Daddy <3